A season has passed since I’ve connected here. The way one has the best intentions to call a cousin to check on her or to visit a friend she hasn’t seen in a while, I have known I’ve wanted to come back here.
Confession: I’ve been having an affair with really good TV. I’ve been allowing characters and intense plots to give me that ZAM, a feeling I described to my good friend today.
I suppose ZAM is the spike of intensity and creativity and rebellion that lays around in me for a bit and then flares up. Whenever my life gets the busiest, even through the heaviness in my bones or the dull headache from a busy day with students, I crave it. But instead of writing patiently, I watch. I leave on the light on the bookshelf in my room, and I let Showtime scratch the itch.
In my defense, it’s been a very busy few months. Days and weekends have been packed. I know I will miss these days when hours fly so fast, when the day is mostly structured around my little kids at home and my young adults at work. I’ll remember this sometimes and try so hard to lasso the moment, but I admit that sometimes I just want no noise, no questions, and nothing to consider.
So I trade some sleep, a precious currency, with a show. A little vacation. I’ve learned long ago that having some sort of a plan makes flexibility much more enjoyable. That said, I have let some overplanning happen, and I’m looking forward to that winding down a bit.
Recently, we re-did the kids rooms so each child has his own space. Originally, I wanted the kids to have bunk beds and share the same room until they grew out of it naturally, but I noticed that the age gap between Layla and Zade affected Layla. Whereas Layla respects the process in her playtime, Zade’s the center of his own world. We did lots of purging and creating to give them their own rooms. I’m grateful that they play together even more now than before the new rooms, and I’m enchanted with their little pink and blue spaces. Layla and Zade celebrate birthdays close together, and they are definitely buddies, so maybe a little space will let them grow even stronger while strengthening their relationship simultaneously.
Tomorrow is October 1st, a marker of the fall for me. Both kids were born when the leaves were just starting to turn, and I met motherhood those few months before the winter. My favorite season smells of cinnamon and cool night-time air. I know it’ll be a little while before we’re in the heart of Fall, but I’m so eager for orange and black decorations and trips to Hobby Lobby with Layla. I can’t wait to watch them stare at the jack-o- lanterns in awe and to get them dressed up in costumes.
In the limited time after my kids are tucked asleep and some of my nightly to-do is done, I plan to make this work again so I can continue to lasso moments and reflect. A season is too long to put off writing–even for casual ZAM.